These topics that are coming up as I work my way through the rest of the Fifty Things Project, are not easy.
They’re not something I ever planned on talking about on this blog, or even to the public in general. The first couple are pretty basic regrets, and then things get a little more complicated. So bear with me.
I Regret Not Staying in Dance
I know when my mom reads this she’s going to laugh. As a kid, we all took dance classes. Combination Tap, Jazz and Ballet. I was never as good as my sisters, I did for the costumes and towards the end, enjoyment. There were times though, where I just didn’t feel like I fit in. The girls my age were in higher level classes, and I was a shy kid. I really did try to stay hidden. Basically, girls can be mean. Really mean. So I quit dancing my Sophomore year of high school. When I graduated high school and then attended NKU, I began dancing again. Discovering modern dance is one of the best things that happened to me while at NKU, and that’s when I started regretting not sticking with dance. But now, I’m going to let that regret go. Because that regret makes me feel bad about myself. I’ve convinced myself that if I had just stayed in dance, I’d be much fitter than I am now. That somehow, my quitting ballet is why I’m a curvier now than I was 11 years ago. That’s just not the case. So I’m throwing it away. I’m done with that regret.
I Will Stop Comparing Myself to My Sisters
When I have 9 sisters, you can’t help but compare yourself a little bit. Hell, I even compare myself to my brother. I have to stop, and I have to accept that I’m a wonderful person.
Maybe I’ll never have a college degree, and that’s okay. I’ve done alright for myself. I have a wonderful husband, lots of family that care about me and an awesome church family. Kevin and I are living paycheck to paycheck, but our bills get paid and we’re happy; which is more than what I can say for a lot of people.
And maybe I don’t have a fancy job, and there’s a chance that I’ll only every work in warehouses. That’s okay too. Don’t let anybody ever tell you that you’re job isn’t good enough. If you’re working, it’s good enough. And if you don’t have a job right now, that’s okay too. I’m unemployed and sometimes that’s how it goes. You’re still good enough.
I’m my own person, and now is the time for me to own it. I’m throwing out sibling comparisons. They’re not for me.
I Will Forgive Myself for Not Being Able to Protect My Sister.
My baby sister means the world to me, and there have been times where I just have not been able to keep her safe. I couldn’t protect her from the horrible people in this world, and couldn’t save her from all of life’s evil plans. She’s the strongest girl I know, and I love her to pieces. For years, I’ve beat myself up for not trusting my gut, and not believing her completely when she confessed things to me. I did not protect her the way a big sister should. But I can’t keep beating myself up over it. So I’m throwing it away. I’m not my sister’s keeper, I can only do my very best and sometimes that won’t be enough, and that’s okay. Today I forgive myself.
These confessions bring our Grand Total 36/50. I feel really good about these confessions, and I’m actually excited to move on further with our project.